Insecurity
by AdenaMentzel
Summary: Maddison. Mark helps Addison through a breakdown and thinks about their relationship. Please read and review. Oneshot.


A/N: Yeah, this is probably really OOC, and might not make sense...but try to just go with it. Random Maddison...please read and review, it would make my life. And...be nice? It's four in the morning.

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Everyone knew Addison Montgomery as a tough woman who was a force to be reckoned with. Mark Sloan was no different. What many people didn't realize, however, was that she had a softer side, riddled with insecurities.

Most of the people at Seattle Grace who were able to see Addison's insecurities chalked them up to the fact that Derek Shepherd had beaten her down so much that she couldn't see herself as a worthwhile human being any longer. Mark knew differently. Addison had always been extremely insecure about herself-- it was just that Derek's indifference (among his other unfavorable traits) had served to intensify her insecurities.

When Mark had been living with Addison, after Derek had fled for Seattle, the coward that he was, he had gotten to know her better than he had ever thought possible. After all, they were already good friends, and he thought he knew almost everything that there was to know about Addison Montgomery, save for maybe a few overly personal facts that she had never shared with anyone. Mark prided himself on knowing Addison better than her then-husband did, having been there for her when Derek wasn't-- forgotten birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Before Derek had left, those things had only angered him, because nobody deserved to be treated the way that he was treating Addison. All Mark wanted was for Addison to be happy, and at that point, Mark had no right to fill the role of her husband, but now, Addison was trying to be with Mark, which meant that Mark could treat Addison the way that she should have been all along.

Mark was utterly shocked to discover that Addison was perhaps the most insecure individual that he had ever met in his entire life. It had also surprised him that she was so skilled at hiding her inner turmoil from the rest of the world.

Through all of the times that Mark had been there when Derek hadn't, she had remained stoic. While it had been evident that she was struggling, she had never broken down or cried in front of Mark. True, there had been a few tears shed, and she had expressed anger at her husband for being so absent, but he hadn't picked up on her insecurity until retrospect came back to bite him. He had found it remarkable that she had stayed strong through it all. The revelation that she hadn't been, not really, explained a lot of things.

"_Mark?"_

_Addison had been sitting in the cold New York rain on a particularly chilly October night on a cement wall outside of his private practice. He hadn't known she was there, otherwise she would've been in his heated office. He didn't know how long she had been sitting there, but her lips were starting to turn blue, and she was soaked._

"_Addie? What are you doing out here, it's freezing!"_

_It was kind of ironic, all of the doctors that Mark had ever known were simply the least concerned with their own personal health._

_Mark approached Addison, who had clearly been crying, and sat down on the wet cement beside her._

"_Addison, what's wrong?" he asked, gently lifting her chin to look at him._

"_Am I worthless?"_

_Mark was taken aback by the softness in her voice, a vulnerability that he had never before associated with Addison Montgomery-Shepherd. She had always been a strong and independent woman who didn't need anyone's approval. She was slouching, her entire demeanor seemingly deflated. Tears were gathering in her eyes as she desperately searched his for reassurance, validation._

"_What? No, Ads, where are you getting that from?" She turned away from him, looking down at the ground as she shrugged. "Addison, look at me. Look into my eyes, okay?" She obeyed reluctantly. Mark placed a hand on both of her shoulders and looked into her eyes. "Addison, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met, and the smartest. I'm not kidding. Ads, you are the foremost neonatal surgeon in the country, practically the world. There is no way that you are worthless, and how you could even think that is beyond me, okay?"_

_Tears were steadily coursing down Addison's cheeks, and her entire body was trembling violently, not only from the cold, but also because of the heartbreaking sob that was emitted from deep within her. Mark embraced her tightly, and she collapsed against him._

_Several minutes later, Mark pulled away and leaned in gently, placing a delicate and tender kiss on her lips, a kiss that seemed foreign to their relationship, which had thus far been based on raw desire and need. Mark only hoped that she could feel the sincerity of his emotions through that one act, though she still seemed unconvinced._

_Mark took Addison back to his apartment, gently guiding her the entire way, as she seemed lost and broken, not entirely present. He had supported her dead weight in the shower to warm her, and had practically dressed her in pajamas himself._

"_Mark?"_

"_Yeah babe?"_

"_I hate myself." Mark didn't know how to respond to that._

"_Addie?"_

"_I don't deserve to live. I'm worthless. He told me so. I am." She was staring off into space, using pronouns, so nothing was making much sense._

"_Who, Addison?"_

"_He doesn't love me. He never loved me. I'm not good enough...I'm not."_

"_Who, Addison?" she didn't seem to hear him, so he touched her shoulder gently, "Addie, was it Derek?" She snapped out of the trance she was in._

"_What? No. Not Derek, Derek is too good for me. I don't deserve him. Daddy was right." Mark's heart broke in that moment for Addison. He could understand her pain; it was the same as his own._

"_You know, Ad, just because he was your father doesn't make him right."_

"_I deserve this...I deserve this...I am a whore...daddy was right..." The woman that Mark saw before him was not Addison Montgomery Shepherd, MD, but rather little Addie Forbes Montgomery, a small child who was always inferior to perfection and therefore never got the affection and reassurance that she sought. At the slightest provocation, she could crumble._

_Mark grabbed both sides of her face firmly, but not firmly enough to inflict any pain. He inwardly cringed at the way she flinched, clearly expecting to be hit._

"_He was wrong. You're not perfect-- you're human. That being true, you made a mistake. You are not a whore. You slept with me. You were lonely. But that's not your fault, not entirely. Derek pushed you away, and I took advantage of the situation because you deserve better. It was wrong of me to do what I did, but you deserve so much more than he was giving you. You are beautiful, and I love you. I LOVE YOU, do you hear me? Now you need to love yourself, because you are amazing, okay?" Addison nodded. She timidly wrapped her arms around Mark._

"_I...thank you Mark." She cleared her throat. "I'm sorry about that."_

"_It's okay. If you ever need reassurance, I'm here for however long you want me."_

Mark could see that Addison had been abused, at least verbally, and she was permanently scarred from all she had been through, and he would always be ready an willing to do what it took to reassure her. He didn't want to be used, but he was willing to allow her to use him if it would make her happy. He only wished she would see how much he loved her, but deep in his heart he knew that she still loved Derek, and he was just Derek's replacement. He also realized that he had probably lost any chance at having a relationship with her because he had gotten her into bed and ruined her marriage, but he could always hope.

Mark was not a saint, not by a long shot, and there were times that he behaved selfishly. He slept around when he got nervous or felt overwhelmed, but truly where he really wanted to be was by Addie's side, preferably as her lover. He knew that he came on strong, but he was only trying to protect her the best way he knew how-- by being the tough guy. He saved his sensitive side for her, and only hoped it was enough.

In the end, he realized, as long as she found happiness, it would be worthwhile.


End file.
